A Beaver Meets the Prince
by Wizzelf
Summary: A young Pop Star is transported to the Woodland Realm where he finally meets his match and learns a valuable lesson.
1. Chapter 1

Justin walked out of the L.A club escorted by his bodyguards. It was like any other night out and all the same sights met him, boring him as usual and doing nothing to ease his wild heart.

He was young, he was fresh and he had swag like no other. Even Snoop and Usher were not as fresh and fly as he was, but he was bummed. Life as a privileged pop star was not easy, it got old and he'd felt for a long while now that he needed adventure. Something new, something tight. Because after all, YOLO.

A girl with long red hair approached, wearing a baseball cap and jean jacket that had a green leaf patch on the right shoulder. His protective bodyguards continued to flank him like the precious cargo that he was. Their eyes met and she stopped in front of him. Ah, another fan, he thought smugly to himself.

"Listen, babe, I don't sign for fans when I'm out, aight?" Where was his hummer and driver to take him away from tiresome situations like this?

"No thanks," was her cool reply before continuing past him as if he was nothing.

This would not stand.

"Hey, you stupid cow! Don't you know who I am?!" Justin shouted. Hector, his newest bodyguard shifted nervously in front of their young charge. The other guards looked at each other. "Not again…" one muttered under his breath.

"I don't trouble myself with the likes of you, scum, and it would be wise to watch that foul tongue of yours before someone cuts it off!"

"What—what did you just say to me?" Justin could feel his ire began to rise. Before the situation could escalate further an old man with a long beard appeared from an alley by the club. He was wearing a dark grey polo with a silver thread scarf stylishly wrapped around his neck and under his beard while wearing light chinos and holding an elegant wooden staff. On his feet were dark suede Buckinghams that matched quite well with his cool club attire. Justin was somewhat impressed by this.

"Tauriel," the old man warned.

"Hey grandpa," taunted the young pop sensation slash teen heartthrob. "Do you want some of this?! Do you want some of this, HUH?!"

"Sorry, Gandalf. This child here blocked my way and then in turn insulted me," explained the young woman with a sigh.

"I see," said the old man called Gandalf, observing the strange child before them with a sharp gaze.

Suddenly Justin threw his head back and then forward violently, launching a spit ball at Gandalf. Somehow, by a miraculous intervention unknown to Justin, it missed its intended target and was diverted, landing on the pavement with an audible splat. Justin stared on with disappointment. He'd always had good aim up until now.

The old man's eyes lit with a dark fire that made Justin almost stand back in fear and his guards shift even more nervously than before. "Mr. Bieber, we should be going now…" said one of his guards.

"You've done it now, boy," said Gandalf in a dangerous tone, raising his staff.

"Gandalf—" said the young woman called Tauriel in a quiet voice, whose ear peeked out from under the cap and looked— pointed? Dafuq?

Suddenly a bright light shot from the staff and went straight towards Justin who screamed in terror. The light engulfed him and the last thing he saw before leaving the earth as he knew it was his bodyguards running for their lives. His body spun wildly out of control through the air and he could see nothing but white light and flashes of different rainbow tinged images that he did not recognize.

Then he landed and it was no longer light around him but a grim darkness and tall, ancient trees that seemed to moan in disapproval and creak at his arrival. It was as if his very presence in such a world violated its sanctity, even in the poisoned woods.

"Yo," he whimpered and in a split second hundreds of arrows and swords appeared pointing at him. He looked up and saw many strange faces, all with long hair, familiar pointy ears and so-last-season green cloaks. "Help," Justin tried again, he was certain he'd broken his $500,000 butt bone. He'd have to cancel his tour again.

"Who are you? Speak quickly," commanded a smooth voice.

"I am Justin Bieber, please call the police, call the president, call my guards. I've been assaulted by an old man in a polo with a weird cane."

"Who? Beaver?" Several had said this in unison and Justin's face turned dark and monstrous. "You heard me, you idiots! I am Justin Bieber!" Justin Bieber hissed, recovering enough to sit up and puff up his shoulders, his entire neck disappearing under his chin while giving them all a righteous scowl. He resembled an angry muskrat robbed of its delicious snail dinner.

"You are in the Kingdom of the Woodland Realm. What is your business here?"

"Who in the Jimmy Neutron stratosphere are you? I want my guards!"

"If you had guards, boy, they are long gone now," said a man with long blonde hair. Justin spit at his boot in response. The blonde man clenched his jaw and gazed down at the much younger human child with a seething stare. Another spoke, "You dare spit on the Prince's shoe? Legolas, allow me to execute this swine before he causes further offense!"

"No, I will handle this human cretin who dared trespass on our lands," said Legolas darkly, grabbing Justin by his collar who squealed and cried under such abuse and batted his hands at his aggressor. Legolas merely looked on with dry amusement as if Justin Beaver, or whatever his name was, were a bug struggling for escape from under his boot.

"Are you afraid?" Legolas asked, a dangerous smirk gracing his fine features.

"Yo….yo momma, b****!"

"My what?"

"You heard me, f*****!"

"What strange words you use….is that ancient Orc speak?"

"I f***** your grandma last night! say WHAT now, cracker!"

Legolas released Justin, cooly stepping back and laughing to himself as the grown infant threw a tantrum before them. The youngster kicked the ground and raised his chest out, throwing his arms arms to and fro while dancing on strange shoes that looked to be too big for him.

"Say WHAT now! Say WHAT now! HUH! You don't know me! I own you, b****!"

"My head aches from the noise he makes," another light haired man said behind Legolas. "He will wake all the forest with his cries and we should leave him here to meet its inhabitants."

"Quiet, Beaver, or you'll be pudding for spiders!" one said.

"Spiders?" squeaked Justin, putting his arms down.

"Yes, big ones," a woman with brown hair said behind him. Justin did not like the way they all looked at him then. What use were guards if they could not even protect him in times like this? He was going to phone his manager later and it wasn't going to be a happy conversation.

Legolas sighed before instructing his comrades, "I grow tired of this encounter. Take him to the cells."

"What?!"

"Perhaps there he will learn to be calm enough before speaking!"

"HahahaHAHAHAHAHa, bruh, you are soooo going to be sorry. I own the L.A.P.D and your a** will be so sued. My lawyer will end you!"

"You dare threaten me?" said Legolas, a shimmering laugh escaping his delicate pink lips.

"I'ma KILL yo—" before he could finish his threat a lightening speed fist flew through the air and connected with Justin Bieber's face. All he heard was a crunch and his nose filled with blood, gushing down and staining his designer skinny jeans. He let out a howl as his vision lined with sparkling stars that seemed to have Legolas' face in them.

Justin fell back to the ground unconscious.


	2. Chapter 2

Justin awoke to find himself in a sparkling chamber, though he could not immediately appreciate its beauty for the room seemed to be spinning dangerously.

Meanwhile his face hurt worse than when he fell from his Segway into his neighbor's cactus one drunken, smokey-filled evening. He was then struck with the realization that this was not California, nor could it be his earth or even his time. That old man had f***ed up, this much was certain. The pain in his nose was immense, though he dared not see how it looked. Would he ever recover after having his youthful beauty tarnished? Yes. That is what money was for. Justin gained his composure enough to sit up and realize, much to his shock and dismay, that he was shackled like some common criminal and his $$$ duds were bloodstained which was not too much of a loss since he had ten closets full of similar outfits.

Still, he thought, how RUDE.

He looked up to protest and found himself gazing upon a throne filled with a very elegant and very bored occupant whose stylishly stockinged legs were draped leisurely over the regal armrest. His shoes sparkled and Justin felt uncomfortable when they seemed to resemble diamond studded...crocs, of all things. If such a thing did exist it would be an abomination, crafted only by demons in the deepest pits of hell.

"Oo' da f*** are youb?" Justin shouted, cringing afterwards at his own voice.

A melodious voice down below the throne announced the name of the king, attached titles and appropriate monikers while the glamorous king himself barely seemed to pay any attention, caring more for his pink cuticles.

"Bow before your king," the courtier commanded at last, who looked suspiciously like the Oscar-worthy Leonardo DiCaprio, to which Justin scoffed haughtily. The eyes that met him were not friendly. S***, he thought and realizing that he needed to recover quickly by applying some Bieber balm to this rapidly declining situation before things got real slim shady for himself. He cleared his throat, rubbing his shackled hands together like a gopher in deep preparation and then spoke, "Yo," he started, flipping his hair needlessly, "I wab my lorbyer. Ged dese thigs oboff me NOWB!"

The Great King called Thranduil gave an ice cold glance that burned and chilled worse than any frostbite he'd seen, especially the ones his bodyguards had gotten after he'd made them go out into the snow to collect gourmet ice for his snow cone machine. Justin, King of all Biebers, was unwavering in his tone or request.

"I seb NOWB!"

"What does an obnoxious, hairy warg boob think by coming to these lands, to make demands and to insult its ruler? Is it a mere bloodsucking horse fly or dung beetle given the power of crude speech by a deranged magician far too found of weed and shrooms? I wonder!" Thranduil's voice boomed through the halls and he quickly swung his legs over with such grace and speed that it startled everyone. He stood, cascading majestically down elegant throne steps, a fine silk cloak trailing behind him. Justin squinted, eying the work of it. Wait a minute, he thought critically. "Isb that Versace?"

"I- what. Yes. Yes it is Versace. Thank you for noticing," replied Thranduil, caressing his sleeves with fondness. "An import."

"Anb imporp fromb whereb?"

"Never you mind, urchin!"

For the first time in his entire life Justin Bieber obeyed, choosing the breathe nosily out of his mouth instead.

"We elves live a simple life," began Thranduil in a modest tone, "We cleanse the land of foul creatures, we toil away in our wineries so a humble king may not go thirsty and just by merely existing we benefit all the creatures of Middle Earth simply by gracing the world with such...such beauty." He paused, moving a fine blonde stray from his glowing face, before continuing, "Yet time and time again vulgar scum like you come knocking...uninvited! Making demands, spitting, throwing tantrums! It will stand no more-"

"EXCUBES MEB, I AMB JUSTEB BIEBERT."

"Whatever land you came from...I am sure I would be doing them a favor by doing this; I SENTENCE YOU TO-"

"FATHER, WAIT!" interrupted Legolas. "Wait!"

"What is it, my dear lad?"

"Do not pass sentence yet, Ada, I do request this! I would like to challenge this man-child...to a duel...to the death."

Justin pissed himself a little bit sometime between 'sentence' and 'death' were uttered. So, Justin did what he only could do when no one was there to protect him. He sniffed, and before too long tears fell down his face and hit the marble with an echoing splat, for his tears were indeed heavy with the sorrow of having been humbled to such a bloody, pathetic state. Thranduil smirked darkly and his son Legolas looked on curiously, amusement showing through.

"Perhaps we have both been too hard on this boy?" said Legolas, crossing his arms over his chest knowingly.

"Perhaps," repeated Thranduil thoughtfully, tracing a long finger over his milky jawline. "Release him," he ordered.

Suddenly the guards unshackled the hiccuping, bloody, tear-stained child. Justin stopped, looked up and stopped crying. "Thakenb youb. I'b learbed my lessob."

"Which was?" asked Legolas.

"ELBS ARE P****S! LATERB, B*ATCHEBS!" Justin ran away, disappearing through hallway exit. Thranduil and Legolas stared at eachother, while the court elf Leowyn DiCaprewen shook his head in disapproval.

"WELL," huffed Thranduil. "I'm never doing THAT again."

Justin Bieber did not get very far before he was dragged back into the grand hall again, kicking and screaming more vulgarities before being dropped at the prince's waiting feet. Legolas dropped a sword by Justin's side and picked up his own.

"Fight me, you orc's nipple pus!"

Justin picked up the sword, launching towards Legolas who merely dodged to side with a light step. "GARHHHHHHH!" shouted Justin in response, commencing his attack once more while Thranduil nursed his jewel studded wine goblet lazily.

"You fight like a wee baby warthog!" taunted Legolas who dodged every attack as if he were merely dancing at the Greenleaf Club hosted by DJ Daddy Thrandy. Justin raged violently, growing more frenzied and reckless while Legolas leaped and ricocheted over furniture, dangling off chandeliers and rolling out of the way as if it were mere sport between babies.

Leowyn DiCaprewen clapped gaily, also, rooting for the elven prince and waving a tiny little green flag.

It did not take too long before Justin tired and Legolas kindly knocked the sword from his hand. "Owb!"

Thranduil clapped. "I'm quite bored now," he proclaimed. "Are you done with this imbecile yet, Legolas?"

"Yes, ada."

"Good. Justin Beaver, you are hereby sentenced to live out your days in my dungeons until we need the cell for something. Be gone!"

Hundreds of years passed. Many other prisoners came and went, all sorts of strange creatures he'd never dreamed of, but he remained. Some even escaped as they had been clever, but he was not clever nor had he ever been. He watched, he waited. Time passed on and on. He never aged strangely enough, the only thing to show for his age was a single grey hair that grew ten feet from his chin. He had the time to measure it. It grew with each century until finally one day his cell opened. "The King has set you free," said the guard.

"Oh, I see," said Justin sagely. He was a different man now. Wiser, quieter and more humble. He was escorted into the grand hall, noting how it remained just the same yet ever splendorous.

A familiar old man in grey robes and silver scarf stood near the throne where the king sat, who was wearing an emerald onesie and flower crown. Legolas was sharpening a set of arrows nearby.

"Sorry, we sort've forgotten about you. You can go now," said Thranduil, while Legolas merely nodded at Justin.

"It's time to go back home now," said the old man, Gandalf?

"Thank you," said Justin. Gandalf smiled, his eyes tinkling mysteriously before a great light engulfed the room and his vision. He found himself back in L.A outside the club again, flanked by his guards who waited for his driver to come. Tauriel and Gandalf were no where in sight. That night when he came home he called his manager.

"Hey, I'd like to hold a press conference."

"Thank you all for coming here today," camera lights flashed, reporters shot questions at him rapidly but Justin ignored them all. "I would like to announce my retirement from the music industry," he paused, waiting for the collective gasp to pass but stopped them again by speaking before the onslaught of questions could begin once more. "I will no longer go by the name Justin Bieber," more gasps ensued, "and my life as an entertainer will be over as I am returning to my native homeland of Canada where I will become a child of the woods...only if the furry creatures, such a the great moose, will accept me and allow me to reside there amongst them. Forgive my indolence, ignorance, cruelty and launching of saliva. Forgive me, please. I will also be donating all my money to charity. Thank you."

And what that the child known as Justin Bieber disappeared, only to be born again a man named Jason Bourne who traveled the remote woods of Canada, saving and aiding the wildlife preservation causes, planting trees and finding a peace in the world that he did not know he craved.

And so, the land of New Middle Earth thrived.

Fin~


End file.
